the need to paint

i can feel it
the need to paint
it calls me and i can feel myself unable to really engage with people
like my brain shut down
i know if i only spend a few hours, days painting
somehow the reality is that i will find the line back to others
but i can't paint
because there are so many deadlines
and i work 9 hours for every 5 i charge
and the boys stay up 2 hours too late
and i am tired
while i lie awake all night not sleeping
sluggish in the morning
wishing i could paint
i have maybe 15 paintings in my head
at least three major stories i could write
yet all i do is paid labour and home labour
all of which drain and do not replenish

when i paint
you will know
because once again i will be my self